The Age Gap Conversation

You hear about "the age gap" all the time. Most people, use the age gap as one of their deciding factor on when they want to continue growing their family. Most people also have their own opinions on what is the "best age gap", however, we all know that what works best for one family, might not work best for another. It is important to remember, that when you are talking about things under the "umbrella" of parenting, that you must be sensitive to others as you do not know what their beliefs or reasonings are for their ways of doing things. Do not take it upon yourself to ask "Why would you have such a large age gap between your kids?" or "Why would you have another child so soon?". You do not know what the reasoning is, and this could be offensive to someone. What if that person struggled to conceive again, or had a loss in between. Maybe that person was not trying to grow their family during that time or weren't financially ready. What if that person was not trying to have a baby and it just happened or they were considered "older and not as fertile" and needed to have a baby soon. So many things happen behind closed doors, so please remember to always be mindful and respectful.

Now, I am here to be open about our children's age gaps. Between my oldest son O, and my twins (Ca & Co) there is 20 months. Now lets be clear, we were trying for our second and were going to stop there, we were just blessed with a bonus baby! I couldn't imagine our lives any other way. Again, there were many factors that we considered when trying for our second. We knew however, that we did want to have our children close in age. Our reasonings were that we want them to be close when they are older. My husband and I both had siblings within a few years of us, so growing up we were close with our siblings and we knew that we wanted our children to have the same bond as we did. Our second reasoning was what some people like to refer as "done and on to the next stage". We knew that we didn't want to redo the diaper stage, the potty training and sleepless nights all over again years down the road. We wanted to be in that stage for "longer" but be done and over with it all at once. The last reasoning was that we were still young. We wanted to be able to have the energy to do things with our kids when we were "young" and enjoy it all. Not that when you are older, you don't have the energy, but again this is how we felt.

Now these reasoning that we had, may be completely different from the way you would think and that is ok! This is what worked for us, and not for everyone. Our boys are now 4 (O) and 2 (Ca & Co) and they are the best of friends. Well it depends on the day, but they always engage in play with each other. They are at the stage where they keep each other entertained, play games and just enjoy each others company. Now having kids close in age isn't always butterflies and rainbows, don't get me wrong. They are learning at the "same stage" as each other, and learning how to handle situations. With a larger age gap, the oldest child would be able to show the younger child how to work things out, or handle situations when they are together. In our case, when they have a situation and none of them know how to handle it, or control their emotions, it usually ends up in an argument or tantrums. This happens more times than not. So as the parents its our job to step in more often and control the situation. Again there are pros and cons to every age gap.

Here are just some of the reasons or beliefs that come to mind when planning age gaps:

• "Done and On To The Next Stage" or "Too Much Too Soon"

Just like us, some people can not see themselves going through the "hard" stages and then going back and doing it again in 6 years. Things like diapers, bottles, waking up during the night, potty training and so much more, can be very hard on some people. This doesn't mean we don't love the baby stage and all that comes with it, we just don't want to do it all over again later on! We chose to do it a little bit longer but be "over and done with it". The same could be said for someone who wants to wait and have a larger age gap. Maybe having multiple children in diapers, or not sleeping their nights could be too much. It is extremally draining and can be physically and mentally hard to get through.

• Financial Stability

Having children is EXPENSIVE! I knew having a singleton would be expensive, but having twins, WOW. Thank goodness that I kept most of my stuff from when O was a baby but there was still a lot we needed, and double of everything! Not to mention I was not able to breastfeed so we were buying formula twice a week. Yep, twice a week. Did I mention we were buying diapers for THREE kids. Having twins was something we had no control over, but we also weren't financially prepared for it either. The possibilities of multiples is something that should be considered when talking about whether or not you are financially ready to grow your family.

• Are You Mentally Prepared?

Once your baby starts to grow up, it's easy to get Baby Fever. I mean, even I still get baby fever every now and then. I however know, that for one, we are done having babies but also, I mentally could not handle another baby. Having a baby takes ALOT out of you. People tend to shy away from talking about postpartum depression but some people don't even realize they are suffering from it. If you are mentally struggling to even know who you are outside of being a new mom, then you might find adding another baby to the family just too much. You need to sit down with your partner, and make sure you are both where you want to be. Your partner might be struggling in silence too.

There are many reasons that someone may or may not want to have their children close in age, however these were just a few examples of things that you may want to consider when planning your family. The support we have from our family, also played a huge factor in our decision to have our children close in age. Again, there is never a right or wrong answer when it comes to the age gap between your children, you do what is best for and your family. Sometimes, things are out of our control and we also make it work. This is just our family story.